59. Deathrow High
As I drove, I pondered why the sudden shift. I could not. Next best thing was to call Su Leng to tell of my arrival. There flourished this blossoming tone in her voice, like an aura filling her up. I could picture the glow on her face.
“Sure. Come on down,” was her reply to my request.
I’m certain there’s a smile going on in her currently as my pants bulged. I didn’t feel too comfortable with this, but I was too downright down to bother about ethics. Both my heads connected and I saw Su Leng giving me a blowjob. It didn’t make me any better…so I quitted.
When I got there, she invited me upstairs.
“Where’s mum?” I asked.
“O’ she’s out. Playing mahjong.”
“So that’s how she kills time?”
“Usually,” she replied. “Want a drink?”
“Yah, ok.”
“What do you want?”
“What do you have?”
She put her mind to thought and said, “Let’s see…syrup…Ribena orange and plain water. Or would you prefer something hot?”
“Like?”
“The usual. Coffee, tea? Coffee?” she answered for me.
I thirst for caffeine, but then decided otherwise; too much already intoxicating my system. “Ribena,” I ordered.
As Su Leng sashayed to the kitchen, I did an apprehension check. What the hell was I doing here? But I got to admit I was getting better by the moment. On some spiritual level, I had a relationship with the room environment. It’s Su Leng after all…soul mate. I sense that I can tell her everything with complete ease. I should reasonably be able to do so with Ai Leen, but unexplainably, I can’t. Maybe it’s to do with honesty. Su Leng is the only person on Earth I can be totally honest with.
And given the circumstance…something horny is creeping in! The tables are turned; the time I invited her over, she was in need. Now…I’m the one. Is sexual stimulation directly related to negative emotion? The worse I feel, the hornier I get? I remember how she was the last time round. Pain wants someone to hold. It’s not that you love the person…you just need her.
Coming back to honesty…and Ai Leen, the obstacle in the pathway, I think, is my feelings for her. I want her to see me at my best. Like when you tie the knot and yer all decked up in tux to appear sharp and smart. You have no intentions of marrying in your boxers and white airy singlet; let the discoveries be made after the wedding! It’s typical of couples, isn’t it? After the honeymoon, we mutate and the love dilutes.
But I don’t mean it that nuptial way. That’s too far off to mention. Yet I know there’s a connection; for I wish to impress Ai Leen and present her with all my best sides. Anything that requires camouflage must be Photoshopped to exhibit perfection like the way ads are digitally augmented for consumption. It’s not exactly fake, for this ‘vile’ act of pretence is shrouded in love.
When she returned with my drink, Su Leng lazed on a chair, casually facing me. She began the chat, “So what brings you? Frank?”
“No, no. Nothing to do with him this time.”
“Oh? Then?”
“Just for the heck of it.”
“Don’t believe you! Know you so long, I never see you do anything just for the heck of.”
“Well, I was with him before this,” I admitted.
“There! What does he want now?”
“Well…he still wants to see you…but that’s not why I’m here.”
“Why then are you here?” she questioned abrupt.
“Just to see you.”
“Really?” she smiled in acceptance.
“Yah. Just see how yer doing.”
“Well, I’m fine. I feel much better. I’ve been taking medication,” she said.
“Legally, I hope?”
She nodded, “The doctor prescribed it.”
“Oh!” I exclaimed, “You went to see the doctor?” It was quite surprising that Su Leng had consulted professional help. She hadn’t throughout the course of her pitiful life. The only other period was directly after Uncle Bob’s episode, but it was brief, as she disdained the idea. Moreover, like her uncle’s dick, it was ‘forced’ upon her.
“Yah, I did,” she confessed, “I was having unbearable bouts of depression.” She complained and sulkily looked up at me in expectation. I wanted to; my legs were shaking uncontrollably though my dick wriggled limp. I wanted Su Leng to suck, to suck the pain and confusion out from my being. Concentrating on my cock, she’d summon all the demons from within and trap them in her mouth as they come spurting out.
I resisted. The reason for such a restraint is complex and difficult to decipher, but it seemed like the right thing to do.
“Medication really helps, you know,” she added, “I don’t feel so pressured anymore.” With her hands moving in synch with her words, she continued, “More in touch with the world around me. I don’t live inside my head these days. In fact, I’d been busy. Keeping myself occupied.”
“With?”
“Cross-stitch,” she replied.
“Wow…made anything for me?”
“Well…” she coughed out shyly, “yes. But it’s not done.”
“What is it?”
“You’ll get it later.”
I didn’t bother pushing. Whatever it was that she’s making, it couldn’t compare to my desire for her right now. “It’s a stupid thing to do, a stupid thing to do, stupid thing to do…” I tell myself continuously like a repetitious and deliberate chant containing the message and keys to divinity. The mantra wasn’t working. The more I said it, the harder I got! But wait! As I enlarged, I realized my depression slowly sliding off. In its place was the ever-willing lust!
Now, whether this is a good or bad thing, I cannot tell. For one, to have my gloom lifted constitutes nothing but pure joy. But to have as its replacement the irrepressible libido of the male species repairs nothing. It only trades one group of complications for another.
So I finished the Ribena nervously, excused myself and relieved the sensations in her loo. Said that I had to unload my bowels, but we all know that’s a blatant lie. What Su Leng might think didn’t pass my mind as I did what a man had to do in circumstances such as these…!
When the glob came flying out, a splitting headache entered. Seemingly, my problems never end. One impediment after another. Changing my perception every time they commit to alter, my psyche goes on a rollercoaster ride, bringing me to the edge of my fucking sanity. Every state is like a different dimension with its own law in order. These laws collide, and I can’t fucking take it. But what the heck…! I can’t stay in the water closet forever! Eventually, I emerged to carry on our conversation proper.
“You don’t look too good,” she remarked.
“Yah, I don’t feel too well. Must be something I ate,” I lied. But just to avoid further enquiries into the topic, I bolted out! “So what changed your mind about seeing doctors?”
She hesitated to answer; even embarrassed that she’d finally gone to one. After a while, she explained, “I got smart. No point in being stubborn when you know that you need help. It was getting to me, besides.”
“What was?” I asked.
“The visions.”
“The visions?”
“I see things.”
“What things…? Don’t tell me you see dead people,” I stated, smiling.
Su Leng’s cheeks lifted, but they seemed to weigh down in a frown. I started believing that it was true…that she saw dead people…like…like that Haley Joel Osment kid.
“No I don’t. I don’t see dead people,” she assured me, “but I see things...”
“Like?”
“I dunno, I can’t explain…a kaleidoscope perhaps made up of Frank and, and, and the rest!” She flung her hands to indicate that I knew what they were; things she’d told me through the course of years. “I hear voices, too,” she continued, “Sometimes I know it’s just in my head, but other times I feel they’re audible. I seem to think that my mum is telling me something and I’d say, “Pardon?” But she’d reply that she hadn’t said anything at all.”
“Sounds scary,” I shuddered.
“No, it’s not,” she laughed, “just confusing.”
“Sometimes I imagine that I hear voices,” I put in my part, not liking the idea of being outdone.
“You imagine that?” she guffawed, “You weirdo! People are trying to get rid of theirs and yer trying to pretend that you do. Now that’s funny,” she said. “Don’t tell me that you think it’s cool. It’s not! Trust me, it’s not.”
“No, I don’t think that it’s cool. I think, I think it when I’m self-piteous. You know how that is, don’t you?”
Su Leng nodded.
I illustrated, “Those times when yer all negative. Your mind just plays over and over again all that shit that you’ve gone through. I mean...nothing to do with the other person’s point of view…”
“I know what you mean.”
“…All that shit with this and that, until you think that yer good for nothing and that that’s all there is to it…”
“Yah.”
“…Then you start imagining that you hear voices.”
“That I don’t,” she strongly stated, “That I know I do.”
“I think I do that…” I inserted, confusing the both of us.
“Do what?”
“Imagine I hear voices,” I clarified.
“Oh,” she mouthed, deadpan and bland.
“Where was I?” I asked, confused again.
“Er…that you think you do…”
“O’yah…” I took over, forbidding her to finish, “I think I imagine that I hear voices so that I don’t feel so bad about myself. I associate with the misunderstood who suffered mentally but subsequently went on to do great exploits. Kinda makes me feel proud…that I’m special or something…in a…”
“In a negative kind of way.”
“…In a negative kind of way,” I nodded my head, “It justifies my suffering.”
She chuckled a little, giving me confidence of nothing. Leng is the only person I can tell such a thing to. I know she won’t ridicule or mock me. She won’t condemn me. I am blessed to have her.
In the past, I have tried in vain to open my heart to numerous people: friends, family, church counsellors… They all laughed. If not, they cried…otherwise, they quoted scripture, which were either irrelevant or downright disheartening. “It says here in the Bible…blah blah blah…”
“It’s nice having you around,” Su Leng sincerely smiled. Rosy cheeks even, dimples like the morning sun.
“It’s nice being around,” I replied. “Thanks.”
“Thanks for?”
“For just being around,” I said with all simplicity of spirit.
“So, what’s up?” she read through my demeanour.
“O’ I dunno. It’s just nice having someone to talk to. Yer the only person I can open up to.”
“We both know that. Why? What happened?” she asked caringly, “Something with Ai Leen?”
How she hopes! “No, no,” I answered. “Nothing to do with her at all. It’s just that…that…” Her face looks on concernedly. I felt at home…secure… That’s important, I believe; an important feeling. “…that things are strange nowadays.”
“Tell me about it.” Suddenly Su Leng is acting as my shrink. She even behaves like one. I visualize the both of us in her office. I’m lying on the couch and she’s sitting by my side - the stereotypical image of a psychiatrist and her patient. She has on a sexy business suit that hikes up high as she sits cross-legged. I know I’ve seen such a depiction before, either in movies or music videos. But with my in depth dwelling on such a serious subject and the simple reason that I’d just masturbated, my penis intervened not. Its rude presence was absent. Like a spoilt brat, it always insists on its way; but now, it lies flaccid in sleep, having already had its fill…or rather, spill…!
I carried on, “Well, I went for a rave.” No point elaborating on the musical mastermind that is Fat Boy Slim…it’s deaf on her. “And…and…I felt so happy after that. I felt like I had the answers to all the questions.”
“What’s it? What’s the solution?” she asked, no different from the anticipating air radiating from a curious disciple just before the sacred ceremony in which the master reveals the greatest truth and mystery of all.
“I dunno…it’s hard to explain,” I let down, “but it’s just dancing, man.”
“What? Yer not making sense.”
“I know, I know…” I explained, “But that’s it. The solution to the world’s problems is that we should just dance.”
“Yah, right!” the disciple was aghast by such stupidity. She wondered why she ever bothered with the serene sculptured temple grandeur of enlightenment in the first place. Therefore, she raised her opinion to the eminent nincompoop meditating in his bubble bag, “That’s ridiculous. I would expect something more from you than what you just said.”
“Exactly.” I acknowledged. “You see, Leng, I’ve been trying too hard. Trying too hard to...to change…I should just…be.”
“Just be?” The mystic guru had her enthralled again. She was puzzled. I don’t blame her. It’s an effort just to put into words. It’s understandable that she’s unable to grasp.
“Just be!” I repeated with zeal. “Well I was confused too, initially. Music, when you let it, it touches your soul and you feel so light, you feel that you can do anything. You feel driven, motivated, and what’s better is that you don’t feel like clinging on to your hurt and your pain,” I spoke this poignantly into her eye, “You…you just want to let go. It’s that beautiful.” I paused.
Then I continued with a gruff monotone, “Anyway, that’s what I felt then. That’s how I felt the morning after. But it wore off, and it wore off fast. Now I’m depressed. It’s the first time in my life that I’d touched something so beautiful…” I said it with pure melancholic passion.
“What about all those intimate moments you had with God?” she asked, relating it to my history.
“Honestly, it doesn’t come close,” I defended my neo-experience, “But as I was saying, I’ve lost it. And I want it back.”
“And that’s why yer here?” she posted bluntly.
“Well, yah,” I shrugged guiltily. “Er…yer not angry, right?” I said it with a pathetic point, in hope of attaining comfort. I was mildly afraid if Su Leng thinks I’m merely using her as emotional cushion.
“How can I ever be angry with you?” she said, purring with assurance. After all that we’d gone through, I find that hard to believe.
I goofed around. She’d made me lose my train of thought, so I remained silent. Inside, a million things competed for vocalization. It was like an ovum egging in my brain. Sperms, sensing it, rush upward, fighting and jostling to form the embryo. In this case, it’s the impregnation of thought.
“Aren’t you going to continue?” she insisted.
“I can’t remember what I want to say.”
“Yer always like that,” she giggled, recalling conversations from the past. “You’ve lost it; that was what yer saying. And you want it back. That’s why yer here.”
Thanks to her attentive ear, I continued, “In fact, I visited Frank this morning.”
“I know. You said.”
“I thought…” I refrained and held back. Then I rephrased, “Seeing Frank helped. I was actually feeling better on my way back, but for no apparent reason I just went black again as I crossed the Damansara toll. I wonder if there’s any bad omen to do with that place.” I joked and laughed in solo.
“So you decided to come here.”
“Yes. I don’t understand. In the past I’d take a long time to get out of my oft-depressed state, but during the rave on Saturday night, it was just like a matter of flicking switches. And as easily as it came…it went! The furious loop of emotion is killing me!”
“Why didn’t you go to Ai Leen...since its source was dance?” Su Leng wanted to understand my odd and evasive behaviour.
“I dunno…I don’t feel comfortable with deep issues such as these, and I think an old ear that knows me from way back would be better.”
It was clear Su Leng sensed pride and honour to be selected above Ai Leen. We brushed it off. The yak proceeded to a variety of subjects, sometimes funny, sometimes sad. Sometimes serious and others plain stupid! It doesn’t require documentation; it’s gibberish for all that mattered. We conversed to a soundtrack, akin to a romantic scene. Muted voices, just the loving facial expressions of shared admiration accompanied by soft music and the appropriate camera angles. The actors were sure to fall in love…
Su Leng’s complexion brimmed with sunlit eyes. Whatever it was that the doc gave, worked. She shrugged off all the heavy issues with a one-liner and indulged greedily in jovial ones. The oppressive conditions I walked in through her door with swam off my skin, the horniness had entirely abated and replaced with the goody-goody feeling of friendship. However, a part of my brain was still upset and mystified by the light-speed turn of events, and vowed to dissect piece by piece afterward.
She had on such a free spirit of candour I couldn’t help but comment. But on the other hand, I knew she was still the same Su Leng underneath. The Su Leng that was dark and morose. The Su Leng that threatened suicide and tried it, twice! All her feisty celebration of life was chemically induced. As the drug wears off, so will the charm. Elation will change back to desolation like Fairy Godmother’s spell on Cinderella’s disguise at the stroke of midnight. I made a mental note to leave before that happened.
AI generated art prompted by author except for image of Bible
All characters and events, other than those clearly in the public domain, are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental