63. Deathrow High
Later, I had an idea. I was inspired to put on Blur’s Swamp Song for it gave the impression of dancing in the skies. The setting it conjures revolves around the future when partygoers attend intergalactic raves. In one scene of it, people board and manoeuvre giant transparent bubble balls (zorbs). After learning the trick, he or she can propel the ball to enhance physical motions; thus a jump can rocket the rider way up sky before gravity’s pull accelerates to summon it home for it to bounce yet once again. It’s an immense thrill to fly up and down like this with no sense of direction, so much so vertigo causes the spirit to leave the body in a flash, but is suddenly yanked to return to its physical being by an anchor of the soul residing as a survival force. Continue doing this over a period and…and you’ll see gods, ghosts and your dead ancestors and unborn descendents tangibly before you!
If the leap executed is skilful, he or she may even leave the atmosphere. Hanging out in nowhere between the planet and the rest of space is surely a wonder to behold. With gravity’s pull weakening, one can spin and spur in new frontiers. Then, just as you succumb to weightlessness, the zorb crashes to ground with speeds so insane you think you’ve visited the provinces of the undead. The sudden change of the two states is not short of enlightenment. In the first, we touch creation and absorb into it to be one with the Collective, and then fractions later, we separate from the heavenly due to Earth’s attractive power, thus allowing us to know our Individuality.
When feeling lonely, revellers may choose to conjugate like bacteria. A bubble ball can be swivelled one over the other – the protective sponge absorbing by way of mutation, leaving those inside joined within the odd-shaped eggs modelling gonads and molecular structures.
I dragged Ai Leen to her feet, telling of my imagination simultaneously. An uncanny but benevolent ambience punctured the mood, turning time from sombre melodies to rhythmic jests. From brokenness to friskiness, we adapted with no worries of perverting the vibe. It was…similar and dissimilar. Collectivism and Individualism. All things are One but not the same. Multiplicity. We need to pose as different characters, yet remain unchanged at the core. Humans are attracted to extremes, and I believe it’s not about compromise, but indulging the poles. We need variety in its entire guise.
Ai Leen and I understood. With a stable sum of tenacity we danced as we fucked. Celebrating our nudity to music, we wobbled our erotic wares to steps that mimicked outer-planetary extreme sports. The sight of her antigravity bouncing boobs and my jingling stick made us laugh out loud.
We believed our fancy. Our balls kissed and glued like a figure–eight in the air above the ultramodern city. From the high-rise skewering the clouds dwellers can see ravers in colourful zebra and polka-dotted zorbs, dancing to electronic music across the futuristic skyline. Even aliens visiting will be completely taken in.
I wish for the visions to be true. I wish I could actually see with physical eyes and touch with sensual flesh, for now it’s only with my heart and mind that I do. And in time, due to real lack, this beautiful choreography could betray and constrict its dreamer. The frustration of desire, like a python, wraps itself round the prey, and there would be no escape. He gasps as his lungs collapse, and cringes when the eardrums hear his own crackling bones. For a while he shudders…then he knows he’s gone… Certain death!
“Air fuck!”
Soon the sweat dripped and soaked us to the interior. Sliming our slippery skins, we slowly shed our membranes and descended into the cavern of my living room. Down there on the floor we listened to the rhyme of our palpitating hearts…they synchronized. Then, the fury of passion flourished to flame our famished lust as I licked her creamy puff. Emptiness cascaded down my soul like a carrion crow in search of depleted flesh. However, it wasn’t the usual severity that often plagued me. This one flowed strangely out of my happiness. Usually, it’s only due to acute sadness that hollowness gains foothold, but today it was quite the opposite. And initially, I couldn’t tell the difference. Only halfway through cunnilingus did I comprehend the sensation to be quite unique: in that only in the void surfaced out of paltry mortal life can we cease to worry and learn to enjoy. The ebb of our existence in the fourth dimension can only be truly expressed in the valley between.
Rightly then for me to be vacant, for such is my lack justified…
“Mummy…mummy…yummy…” I yelled as I licked her pussy. After tasting Shirley and Ai Leen, I conclude that vaginas, belacan (fermented shrimp paste) and dead cats all smell the same!
On her smelly diamond, I wish to be born again. It spoke to my tipsy brain, convincing me to climb inside. Through the vagina I can infiltrate the womb and reset my conception.
But I only managed to work up her tits. Nestling in her cleavage, I pumped. I was cold…as if I was dying (not to say that I know how it feels like to die) and wanted someone to hold. Some celestial mother encapsulated and symbolized in Ai Leen to coo and indulge me to the very realms of fantasy revolving round my head.
“Mummy…mummy…yummy…”
Logically, it does not require a scientist to say it cannot be done. Bubble balls bouncing in and out of the stratosphere do not make sense. It’ll burn out as it shoots in at such high velocities…the rider would burst into flames! But yet, I believe in a possibility. I set out to conquer the metaphysical as I perceive. In the passage of time that was to follow, I added to the visions.
All my fantasies have an erotic element. I reckon sex to be magical in character. Perhaps I’m right; perhaps it’s fanciful thinking of a lascivious man…but I’m not the first. History litters with like-minded philosophy. And even the marriage notion of sex and death is neither odd nor original. Many have travelled this pathway before, and many a great thinker, unlike me, your dear narrator.
At present, I dream of death between her legs. I dream of cumming and dying simultaneously, ejaculating and extinguishing to a place of pure bliss…a death within her…a death with her clam seizing me…
I came in her, and thought I’d passed away…but our gasping breaths told me otherwise. As I rolled over, the potency that began with Bono’s voice lifted. If I cross my eyes and observe real hard, I can see the whisper floating off the pores of our skin in transparent form like microscopic images of nano-life. It dawned on me that...that pleasure comes and goes…and I will want it to grace me always.
Ai Leen…at least Ai Leen is here. I hope she forever will. We dressed. Since she’s free from class the next few days, we decided on impulse to spend some time in Ipoh. As a bonus, we’ll have late lunch at Kampung Cina, Sitiawan. This little village on the west coast of the Peninsular boasts of excellent seafood. And it’s cheap too! Comparatively.
“You’re a funny fella,” she said whilst I drove.
“I know. You told me a long time ago. I make you laugh.”
“No. I don’t mean it that way,” she stated.
“How do you mean?” I asked.
“I don’t know…it’s not easy to explain.”
“Are you referring to this morning?” I guffawed.
“Well…you scared me.”
“Sorrie…”
“I didn’t know what the hell was going on.” She raised her hands looking like a puppy.
“You do now,” I bragged, referring to the great time I gave.
“No…not exactly,” she still expressed puzzlement despite a superb orgasm, “What the hell were you up to?”
“I don’t know,” I shrugged.
“You don’t know?” she quizzed, not grasping my peculiarity.
“Well…I don’t really know. I can’t explain…but I’ll try.”
“Go ahead,” she dryly said, as if she’d heard it all before and couldn’t make head or tail whatsoever. “You got me spooked and freaked initially. And then, it was so…so…so beautiful!” She lighted up, “What were you going through?”
“I don’t know,” I repeated, “It all started with the Fat Boy rave.”
“I know, you told me that. You…you do seem happier.”
“I am.”
“That’s good.” She leaned over to kiss me.
“Whoa! Not too much…I’m getting excited,” I joked.
Giggles…then she smiled satisfyingly, “I’m looking forward to meet some of your friends.”
“Aww…! They are nothing to scream about!” I exaggerated this to show her that I wasn’t joking. “Talking about friends, I’d not met yours…er…well, except for Jocie.” The mention of that name…I gave her a pseudo-disgruntled look.
“Don’t be mean,” she slapped.
“Joking, lah.”
“So…what about this morning?” she requested for me to continue.
“I really dunno…!” I exclaimed shrilly, “Well…” slowing down my pace, “I just woke up on the right side…started grooving…and…and…and just felt sooo good!”
“But what’s with the…tears?” she asked.
“I dunno. I really don’t know. I just felt so happy that I started to cry…you know… You know such situations, don’t you…?”
“Yah…” she admitted unsurely.
“I see you sob during sad movies,” I teased.
“No I don’t!” She defied me.
“Yes you dooo…” I carried on.
“Ok, I do. But yer worse…you cry even without watching TV…hehehe…so cute…!” If I were one of her teddy bears she brings over to my place, she would have given me a beary hug…which I wouldn’t have minded.
I turned over to check her cheeky smile… “I love you,” I said. There was no rationale for saying it…I just did…I love her.
She pecked me again, a little deeper now.
We drove on. Came out the toll at Simpang Pulai and drove past the cave temple where the gigantic Mercedes Benz sign once perched atop the hill. It was said that during the tin mining prosperity deluge, Ipoh housed the most number of the luxury marque per capita in the world, hence the monument to commemorate. I miss that colossal logo (why was it removed?); as a boy, it always told me that the long arduous journey on the trunk road via the countless towns and kampongs was over, and that I was home. This was before the North-South highway started operation to cut travelling time drastically down by two. Anna and the King was also filmed nearby, so I told Ai Leen as we headed toward the village. Another hour’s drive (the long way, I know, but I felt like driving after the late morning fuck’n dance).
This time, I initiated the talk. To be honest, I wanted to reveal the jewels in my heart, but I could not find the correct words. I hate it when this is the case, for due to my incompetent vocabulary, people tend to misinterpret. Anyway, I tried… “You felt what I felt this morning, didn’t you?”
“What did you feel?” she dumped my query back onto my lap.
“Just an incredible sense of beauty…I can’t really find the words. Perhaps there aren’t any to describe how marvellous it was.” I spoke with my eyes studying the brain, hoping for expression to descend down the eyelids.
She placed her hand on my thigh and squeezed gently. She took my side and said, “I think so… I hope so.” Then she accompanied the statement with a killer smile. I love it when she smiles; I love it when people smile. It makes my day, greater still when it graces the face of the one I love.
I like to believe that she did…that she felt as I did. Though it’s impossible to say, the symptoms seem the same and I therefore think it is. How diverse can happiness and joy be anyway?
Then I got all spiritual, “There’s like this power, ok, it’s just weird. If this happened a year back, I would have said it was God.”
“Why won’t you say that it’s him now?” she enquired.
“I’m not saying that it’s not…just that I don’t know. I don’t know what it is.”
Ai Leen nodded her head to signify she understood.
“But I also struggle within,” I proceeded, “I’d been conditioned to view all spiritual manifestations as his. If not, then it’s the devil! And this, I think, puts some fear in me. Certainly I want it to be from a good source, but at the same time I’m beginning to think that mythical or fairytale conceptions of good and evil are nothing more than mere bullshit! We have no proof. I’m trying to keep my mind on the obvious, but you know me…I find it more comforting if I knew the truth…the source of this morning’s joy.”
“And what is the obvious?” she asked.
“That I don’t know! That WE don’t know. I think mankind doesn’t know…and won’t for a considerable amount of time into the future.”
“If…if…” she stamped in, “…what you felt was good, and it was, `cos I felt it too…and I know it’s good, then what’s the worry?” she assured. To Ai Leen, and maybe the entire human race, things are simple. It’s me who complicate things up. They don’t ask like I do…they just accept. Nonetheless, it’s good and nice to have someone else guaranteeing my position; it makes me pretend there’s intelligent life on the other planets of the Solar System. It’s fucking lonely to orbit the sun all by yourself with no one to relate.
“It’s not that simple, baby,” I responded, “Just because something feels good doesn’t mean it is. It has to be right in the eyes of God.”
“And you believe that?”
“You don’t?”
She was silent. Initially Ai Leen made some gargling sounds, but eventually, no discernible pronunciations rose from her throat. I decided to answer… “Look, it’s like sex. We both know that it’s great,” I said, caressing her inner thighs gently.
Then I inflated my face to that of a perv’s and groped her naughtily.
She put me back on the steering wheel, “Don’t get distracted!”
“Haha! I’m not.” I assured.
“You were saying?”
“What was I saying?”
“See, yer distracted,” she poked. “You were saying what’s right in the eyes of God…before your sex thingy came in!” she exaggerated monumentally to accuse.
“O’ yah!” I remembered, “Well…yah, it’s like sex…don’t worry, no hanky-panky this time…haha… We both know that it’s good `cos we love each other, but the church doesn’t see it this way. The church will say,” copying an old auntie’s voice, ““Becos I love you, I won’t fuck you!” Why? Because the marriage bed is not to be defiled!”
“I know that.”
“And I think it bothers you just as it bothers me. It bothers everybody. It may be in the subconscious mind, but it’s not just Christianity… It’s morality! We’ve all been brought up this way…well at least in an Asian country.”
“Oh…I don’t want to go into this,” she gave up.
“Neither do I. But it’s fair to say that the people who oppose are just as much in the dark as we are.”
“Why do people make things so complicated?” she sighed, “There’s an easy answer to everything. …Love. Love carries a responsibility. If I love you, I only want good things for you; I don’t want to hurt you. Why must they come up with rules and regulations that aren’t applicable?”
“Beats me! But you try telling them… Let’s get out of this subject.”
“Yup! We’ve strayed,” she laughed.
For a moment there was a pause, and then I stepped back in line, “I felt good this morning, so good that I feel like I just want to share it with the world.”
“You shared it with me...”
On hearing those words, impulse ordered me to stop the car. “Why?” she asked. I gave no reply. When we grinded to a halt, I undid the safety belt and quickly reached for a hug.
Passing motorcyclists whistled. In the shell of my Proton Wira, we cared not at all. Instead we busied ourselves with endearing words spoken gently into the ear. The warmth of her hooters spread across my chest, encouraging me to crush her as she planted hickies near my jugular. When finished, I accelerated as she reclined in contentment. Ai Leen soaked up the moment in solemn awe.
“Why don’t you get involved in welfare?” Came a question unexpectedly that churned my soul.
I could not quite answer to that. A worm of mixed reasons gnawed round my heart. Handing my entire life over to the needs of others had never ever been a priority. If it had, I would have joined one of the countless Christian organizations in the field.
“Look,” she continued, “You have the cash; you don’t have to worry about survival. I’m not saying that you should do this forever, maybe, just for a period. You could see and learn new things. Get a different perspective.”
Unfortunately for her, I was clinging stubbornly to my quiet resolve. Ai Leen got impatient… “Heh! Answer me. I’m talking to you.”
“I don’t know what to say.” I said suddenly.
“Looks like you would be contradicting yourself,” she snorted.
“No I’m not,” defended my self.
“I said you would be.” Her voice was agitated.
“Why?”
“Because you were talking about saving the world…and now apparently, you…you don’t know anymore.”
“Share…! I said share…not save!” I defended myself again.
“Whatever. That’s beside the point,” she waved it off.
“Wh…wh…why are you so upset anyway?” I asked, not comprehending, “Did I say or do anything wrong?”
“I’m not upset…” …but she sure sounded so to me… Women! Such an enigma. But whatever it is, I ain’t gonna let it spoil lunch. I’ve been anticipating the succulent seafood since the idea popped up in Desa Kiara. “Just thirty more minutes to go,” I tell myself.
“Look,” I commenced, “I really don’t know. Out of the blue you come up with a suggestion and you expect me to digest it immediately. I can’t! Sure, I feel like I want to share it with the world…perhaps…even save it! But, I can’t…I…I…I…don’t have a mask costume to put on! Neither did a spider bit me! And…and…and I’m not from another planet! I don’t have superpowers…!”
She hooted and howled indiscreetly… I continued my assault, “Besides, I don’t fancy the idea of wearing my briefs on the outside!!!”
Ai Leen was in hysterics…oinking like a pig uncontrollably, and…you got to hand it over to me. No matter what, I can assuredly be relied upon to turn tables and lighten occasions. That I’d been doing for ages, pro in sweeping dirt under carpets…for, how else could I have survived?
AI generated art prompted by author except for images of Blur 13 and Mercedes Benz logo atop Ipoh hill
All characters and events, other than those clearly in the public domain, are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental